![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
butterflyslinky) wrote2016-05-21 06:32 pm
Starlight Crashing Through the Room Part Eight
butterflyslinky lady_sci_fi way too late at night. Some of the incidents in this story were based on actual events that went down on my high school wrestling team or those of other acquaintances. Needless to say, I am not a fan of institutionalized bullying. Also, experimenting with the writing format to try and sound like a typical young adult novel. Comments are appreciated.We sat through the rest of the meet without saying much. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, which was a relief. It mostly gave me time to think.
I was happy that Spoony didn’t care that I was gay and I knew he would keep it secret. But I was also a bit nervous that he would figure out that I liked him. Unless he liked me back, which was extremely unlikely, him knowing about that would only make it awkward between us, possibly to the point of ending our friendship.
But my relief far outweighed my apprehension, so much that even the glares of my teammates didn’t bother me. Our team didn’t do too badly—we didn’t place, but we didn’t come in dead last. That didn’t make the others less mad at us, but I didn’t care as we got back on the bus.
I pulled out my Gameboy and passed it to Spoony. “Here. I’m going to sleep.”
He nodded. “I’ll wake you for dinner.”
“I’ll eat when I get home.”
“You’ll eat with me when we stop.”
I considered arguing more, but decided it wasn’t worth it. I had at least an hour before we had to have this conversation again.
I leaned back and closed my eyes. The size of the bus seat meant Spoony and I were pressed fairly close together and it was all I could do not to lean my head on his shoulder. After a few minutes, the sounds of general chatter started to fade out and I drifted off.
When I woke up, the bus was dark and Spoony had fallen asleep, his head falling on my shoulder. He was warm and I was tempted to wrap my arms around him and just stay that way until we got home. Unfortunately, the bus was coming to a stop and I knew Spoony would want to eat even if I didn’t. I sighed and nudged him awake. “Hey,” I said. “Dinner time.”
He groaned and nuzzled into my shoulder. “But you’re so comfy.”
“Hey, if I have to eat, so do you.”
He sighed and sat up. “Fine. I put your Gameboy in the front pocket of your backpack.”
“Thanks.” The bus stopped in front of a McDonald’s and the team stumbled off. Spoony and I let everyone else get past before we got up and headed inside.
A few minutes later, we were sitting in a corner booth. Spoony had been unable to convince me to buy anything, but he shoved a packet of fries at me with his most forceful glare.
“I don’t think this exactly healthy eating,” I muttered.
“Well, you refused real food,” he snapped. “So eat the damn fries.”
“I can feel my arteries hardening just looking at these.”
“You’re fourteen. I don’t think you need to worry about your arteries just yet.”
I sighed and started eating, just to get him off my back. I could always…
I don’t know what I was thinking right then. It was probably best not to consider it. But once the idea entered my head, I couldn’t be rid of it.
“Hey, lard ass, stop with the grease!”
Well. That was it. I shoved the food away, tears springing to my eyes. Spoony opened his mouth to say something, but I had already gotten up and fled to the bathroom.
The lock slid into place and I fell to my knees, pulling my glasses off before shoving a finger down my throat. It only took a second before I could feel the acid coming up. It burned and hurt, but in the end, I felt…better. Lighter. I slumped against the wall, breathing hard. They wanted it this way. Fine. This is what they would get.
There was a knock on the door. “Linkara?” Spoony’s voice called. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I’m fine.”
“We’re leaving soon.”
“I know. I’m coming.” I got up and flushed the toilet before stepping out. I ignored Spoony as I went to the sink and washed my hands and face.
“Linkara…” Spoony began.
“Shut up,” I said.
“But…”
“Leave me alone!”
He looked hurt and I softened. “I’m fine,” I said.
“I don’t want you hurting like this,” he said gently. “They aren’t worth it.”
“I’m fine,” I repeated. “I’m in control.”
“But you aren’t,” he said. “This isn’t control.
I didn’t answer him, just pushed past him and headed back to the bust. He followed me silently and sat down beside me.
We didn’t talk again for the remaining three hours. I wasn’t in the mood, being too preoccupied with devising a plan to keep this up without anyone noticing.
When we finally got back to school, I looked at Spoony pleadingly. “Please don’t tell Critic,” I said.
Spoony shook his head. “I have to tell someone.”
“Don’t,” I begged. “I won’t do it again.” I wasn’t even sure if I was lying.
He studied me for a moment. “Okay,” he agreed. “But if you do, I’m telling.”
“Right,” I said, already making plans in my head for getting out from under their supervision.
“Linkara…”
I spotted my mom and started walking. “See you Monday,” I said.
Spoony sighed. “Bye,” he said.
*
By Monday morning, I was more miserable than I could ever remember. It was difficult just to get up, let alone get moving at five AM.
My mom looked worried when she saw me. “Are you feeling all right?” she asked.
“I’m fine,” I said, grabbing my backpack.
“Are you going to eat breakfast?” she asked.
“I’ll get something at school,” I mumbled.
She didn’t look convinced, but she also didn’t object. She drove me to school in silence. “Have a good day,” she called as I got out of the car. I grunted in response.
Spoony was waiting for me in the locker room. He gave me the same concerned look that my mom did. “Did you eat yesterday?” he asked.
“Yes,” I said. It was true. I had eaten.
He gave me a hard look. “Did you keep anything down yesterday?”
I didn’t answer him as I headed to the weight room. I ignored Spoony’s severe glares as we got started on our daily workout. I wasn’t going to acknowledge his disapproval. I wasn’t doing anything wrong.
I was in control.
*
Marzgurl knew something was wrong. I could see it in her face when I sat down. “What happened?” she demanded.
“Nothing,” I said.
“Linkara.” I knew that tone. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
“I’m fine,” I snapped. “Just had a bad meet.”
“Have you eaten?”
“Yes!” I practically screamed, causing several people to look at us. “God, would you all get off my back?”
Marzgurl looked shocked, like she wasn’t sure whether to burst into tears or yell back, and I immediately regretted it. Marzgurl and I never fought, especially before class. “Marz…”
“Stop chattering and tune up!” Mrs. Swan called.
Marzgurl didn’t’ talk to me for the rest of the period. She barely even looked at me, and when she did, I could see she was upset, but I didn’t apologize. I couldn’t.
I spent the rest of the morning alternately worrying about Marzgurl and listening to my stomach complaining, neither of which I really wanted to think about right then. By the time I got to algebra, I was dizzy every time I stood up and my stomach kept twisting into worry knots, though I wasn’t sure if those symptoms were from guilt or hunger.
Spoony studied me closely as I collapsed into my chair. “You okay?” he asked.
“I’m fine,” I said. “Just had a bit of a fight with Marzgurl.”
“That sucks,” he said. “What about?”
“Nothing important,” I said.
He didn’t ask anything else. We didn’t talk about anything except math for the rest of class. Afterwards, I considered slipping off, but Spoony had already though ahead and grabbed my bag, giving me no choice but to follow him to the cafeteria.
I sighed as I sat down and accepted the apple and piece of bread Spoony handed me. Marzgurl didn’t say anything, but she watched me closely as I ate. So did everyone else. I ate pointedly, glaring at all of them.
Critic glanced at Spoony as thought trying to communicate telepathically. Spoony nodded in response. I didn’t bother to ask what they were doing. I already knew.
I finished quickly and stood up to leave, wanting to get away from the worry and disappointment I could feel coming from the others. Critic glared at me. “Sit down, Linkara,” he ordered quietly.
“I need…” I began.
“I know what you’re up to and I’m not going to allow it. So sit down now.”
I considered arguing, but something in Critic’s voice made it impossible. I sat back down and shot Spoony a glare. He didn’t look at me, but he did shrink down, looking guilty.
“You don’t need to babysit me,” I grumbled.
“Clearly I do,” Critic said.
“Thanks, narc,” I hissed at Spoony.
He sunk lower, looking hurt. Marzgurl glared at me. “Stop it,” she snapped. “You’re doing this to yourself. Don’t get mad at us for being concerned.”
“I’m fine!” I insisted. “There’s nothing wrong with me!”
“Yes there is!” Marzgurl said. “You’re moody, you’re irritable, you look like Hell, and you’re obviously not fine! So shut the hell up, eat a real lunch, and get on with your life!”
“It’s not that easy,” I growled. “But you wouldn’t understand that since you have nothing to prove. You can get by on being a girl and no one expects you to be the tough guy.”
“Oh, cry me a river!” she shouted. “You can quit wrestling whenever you want, you’re just too stubborn to stand up for yourself! You don’t have to worry about your looks or weight or guys treating you like an object or lesser pay for equal work! So just get off your melodramatic pedestal and walk away!”
I stood up and grabbed my bag. “You don’t understand,” I snapped. Before she could respond, I fled to the boy’s room and locked myself in a stall.
After fighting with Marzgurl, the bile rose quickly. It felt right, the burn, the dizziness, the shaking and collapsing. I felt awful, but somehow so much better.
I sat on the floor for several minutes afterwards, leaning on the wall with my eyes closed. I didn’t want to move. I didn’t care about anything right then.
There was a knock on the door. “Linkara?”
Critic. “Go away,” I groaned.
“Linkara, open the door.”
“Go away!”
“Open the door or I’m getting a teacher!”
I quickly flushed the toilet and opened the door. Critic was leaning on a sink with his arms crossed. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he demanded.
“What do you think?”
“Linkara…”
“Leave me alone.”
“Not a chance.”
“I’m okay.
“You aren’t.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Yes I do.” He looked straight at me. “I’ve seen it before. I know what you’re doing. And I’m not going to let it happen to you.”
I stared at him for a moment before something in his eyes and tone made me break. Tears started falling from my eyes, no matter how hard I tried to hold them back. Critic immediately moved forward, hugging me close so I could cry quietly.
We stayed there for a few minutes until I was able to take control of myself. I pulled away and went to the sink to wash my face. Critic picked up my bag and we left the bathroom.
Spoony and Marzgurl were hanging around in the hall. Both looked at me in concern when Critic led me over to them.
“You okay?” Spoony asked.
“No,” I said. “But I’ll try to be.” I took a breath. “I’m sorry for yelling at you both.”
“I’m sorry, too,” Marzgurl said. “But let’s just move forward, okay?”
“Yeah,” I said. “That’ll be fine.”
Previous | Next
no subject