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butterflyslinkyTITLE: The Narcoleptic Defense Teacher
FANDOM: Harry Potter
CHARACTERS: Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, Peter Pettigrew, Lily Evans, OCs
RATING: PG-13
WARNINGS: Swearing
SUMMARY: A DADA class leaves everyone confused.
AUTHOR COMMENTARY: Rule of funny for this teacher. And this was funny. Also, I wanted to set up the main conflict and introduce Voldemort (sort of).
Class started on Monday, which gave the boys something to occupy their time a little better. James and Sirius were naturally annoyed at this. They wanted to spend their time learning illegal transformations or wreaking all sorts of other havoc, not shut up in classrooms practicing school-approved magic. The pair thought that the sort of thing they were taught in the classroom was basically useless in every day life. Who really cared if they could turn mice into snuffboxes or make pineapples tap-dance, anyway?
Remus constantly reminded them that knowing the basics of magic would be very useful when it came time to actually learn their illegal transformations, but James and Sirius did not take that point of view. Nevertheless, they settled into the routine of school fairly well, and contented themselves with wondering about the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.
But it was not until that Thursday that they found out. At last, they walked into the Defense Against the Dark Arts room. The students all took out their books and waited, chatting with each other, speculating about their new teacher.
At last, Professor Zephyr entered the classroom. His appearance was slightly rumpled, his clothes slightly wrinkled and his hair mussed up, but beyond that, there was nothing noteworthy about him at first glance. He smiled at the second-years. “Good afternoon,” he said cheerfully. “My name, as Professor Dumbledore said at the opening feast, is Professor Zephyr. You may call me Professor Z. if you prefer. Now that you know my name, I’m going to ask yours since I like to be able to recognize my students. Please raise your hand when I call your name. Ivy Amore?”
“Here,” the smallest girl in the class, another Gryffindor who Peter knew from the WADA summer program, said.
“Sirius Black?”
“Hey,” Sirius said with a grin and nod of his head.
Professor Zephyr continued taking role, and when he was finished, he truly began class. “Okay,” he said. “You’re second year students, so you probably don’t know a whole lot about defending yourselves. That’s all right, because it’s highly unlikely that you’ll be attacked.” Sirius raised his eyebrows at this but said nothing. Professor Zephyr continued, “However, there is growing concern in the wizarding community about a new dark wizard who’s been reeking all sorts of havoc in England. Does anyone read the papers?” There was no response. “All right, then, does anyone happen to know the name of this dark wizard?”
James raised his hand and said, “He calls himself Lord Voldemort.”
There was a slight shudder among some of the Pureblood students, but half the room merely looked confused.
“Exactly,” Professor Zephyr said. “Potter, correct? Five points to Gryffindor for being not only able to keep track of the news, but for being unafraid to speak his name. I am aware that some of you are afraid just hearing the name. However, there’s no need for that. After all, what’s saying the name going to do to you?”
“I notice you haven’t said it,” Sirius muttered.
Professor Zephyr either didn’t hear or chose to ignore that comment. “But since this dark wizard is reeking havoc and has been declared to be quite dangerous, I am going to be teaching you to defend yourselves against any curses he can throw at you. I received a note from Professor Fenris, who said that most of you couldn’t dodge, block, or even cast a spell correctly. I’m going to do my best to fix that...”
Professor Zephyr suddenly broke off and then, to the astonishment of most of the class, promptly fell asleep on his desk. Remus had been expecting this, but was still concerned.
James and Sirius, however, exchanged glances. “Do you think he’s faking?” James asked the room at large.
“No,” Peter squeaked. “He did this at the opening feast, too. Remus said that he’s...” Peter looked as though he was concentrating very, very hard. “Narcissistic?”
“Narcoleptic,” Remus corrected.
“What does that mean?” James asked.
Remus began to give the definition, but Sirius cut him off. “Prone to falling asleep at random moments,” Sirius answered.
The rest of the class was talking as well. “Do you think we should do something about it?” the Marauders heard Lily Evans ask. “I mean, can we wake him up?”
“Why?” a Hufflepuff in the class asked. “We could just leave.”
“No, we couldn’t!” Ivy Amore said. “If he wakes up...”
At last, the class agreed that if Professor Zephyr was asleep for more than fifteen minutes, they would all leave. While Lily Evans kept time, the rest of the class simply kept talking and speculating about how much they could learn about defense with a narcoleptic teacher.
To the collective disappointment of most of the class, Professor Zephyr woke after only five minutes and resumed talking as if nothing had happened. “And once you can all defend yourselves against spells and curses, we can move on to dark creatures. I doubt that we’ll get to creatures this year, but definitely by next year, you should be ready for that. So, we’re going to start with basic dodging skills...”
Sirius wasn’t listening. He had gotten the top grade in DADA the year before, and he could dodge and block almost anything that was thrown at him. He was busy plotting. Mischief was never far from his mind, and Sirius had just been presented with a teacher who opened up a whole new world of possibilities.
Sirius made sure to tell James all his ideas as soon as class was over. James’s eyes gleamed with delight, but Remus, of course, objected.
“It’s not nice to take advantage of other people’s weaknesses to play practical jokes on them,” Remus scolded.
“Since when have we cared about being nice?” James asked. “Besides, what’s the use of having a narcoleptic defense teacher if you don’t take advantage of him?”
“Are you two trying to get expelled?” Remus asked.
“We’re not going to do anything that would get us expelled,” Sirius promised. “We’re just giving Professor Zs an... initiation, that’s all.”
“Just like you were just giving the Slytherin first years and ‘initiation’ before McGonagall caught you,” Remus said.
“You didn’t object to pulling a prank on Professor Fenris last year,” Peter piped up.
“No,” Remus said. “Because Professor Fenris didn’t have a tragic condition. He could fight back.”
“Fine,” James said. “So what did you think of that lecture on defending ourselves against Voldemort?”
“Completely useless,” Sirius said. “I mean, as far as I can tell, this Voldemort person is just a random madman trying to push the radical Pureblood agenda. Give it a few months and he’ll be completely washed up.”
“I don’t know,” Remus said worriedly. “I’ve heard a bit about the fellow, and he doesn’t sound like a random madman. I mean, half the class flinched when James said his name.”
“Rubbish, isn’t it?” Peter squeaked. “I mean, why on earth would anyone just be scared of a name? It’s kind of silly.” It didn’t take a genius to figure out that Peter himself was scared, but James and Sirius didn’t say anything after Remus glared at them.
“All that proves is that half the class is a bunch of cowards,” James said. Peter flushed slightly. “I think Sirius is right,” James continued. “Voldemort’s just a random madman who’ll be locked up in Azkaban soon enough. I think we’re wasting our time focusing on him.”
“We still need to learn to defend ourselves,” Remus said. “There might be other random madmen out there pushing the radical Pureblood agenda.”
“Like my mother,” Sirius muttered. “Still, do you want the only thing standing between you and a random madman to be the teachings of a guy who can’t get through his own lecture without falling asleep?”
“It’s better than nothing,” Remus muttered.
FANDOM: Harry Potter
CHARACTERS: Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, Peter Pettigrew, Lily Evans, OCs
RATING: PG-13
WARNINGS: Swearing
SUMMARY: A DADA class leaves everyone confused.
AUTHOR COMMENTARY: Rule of funny for this teacher. And this was funny. Also, I wanted to set up the main conflict and introduce Voldemort (sort of).
Class started on Monday, which gave the boys something to occupy their time a little better. James and Sirius were naturally annoyed at this. They wanted to spend their time learning illegal transformations or wreaking all sorts of other havoc, not shut up in classrooms practicing school-approved magic. The pair thought that the sort of thing they were taught in the classroom was basically useless in every day life. Who really cared if they could turn mice into snuffboxes or make pineapples tap-dance, anyway?
Remus constantly reminded them that knowing the basics of magic would be very useful when it came time to actually learn their illegal transformations, but James and Sirius did not take that point of view. Nevertheless, they settled into the routine of school fairly well, and contented themselves with wondering about the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.
But it was not until that Thursday that they found out. At last, they walked into the Defense Against the Dark Arts room. The students all took out their books and waited, chatting with each other, speculating about their new teacher.
At last, Professor Zephyr entered the classroom. His appearance was slightly rumpled, his clothes slightly wrinkled and his hair mussed up, but beyond that, there was nothing noteworthy about him at first glance. He smiled at the second-years. “Good afternoon,” he said cheerfully. “My name, as Professor Dumbledore said at the opening feast, is Professor Zephyr. You may call me Professor Z. if you prefer. Now that you know my name, I’m going to ask yours since I like to be able to recognize my students. Please raise your hand when I call your name. Ivy Amore?”
“Here,” the smallest girl in the class, another Gryffindor who Peter knew from the WADA summer program, said.
“Sirius Black?”
“Hey,” Sirius said with a grin and nod of his head.
Professor Zephyr continued taking role, and when he was finished, he truly began class. “Okay,” he said. “You’re second year students, so you probably don’t know a whole lot about defending yourselves. That’s all right, because it’s highly unlikely that you’ll be attacked.” Sirius raised his eyebrows at this but said nothing. Professor Zephyr continued, “However, there is growing concern in the wizarding community about a new dark wizard who’s been reeking all sorts of havoc in England. Does anyone read the papers?” There was no response. “All right, then, does anyone happen to know the name of this dark wizard?”
James raised his hand and said, “He calls himself Lord Voldemort.”
There was a slight shudder among some of the Pureblood students, but half the room merely looked confused.
“Exactly,” Professor Zephyr said. “Potter, correct? Five points to Gryffindor for being not only able to keep track of the news, but for being unafraid to speak his name. I am aware that some of you are afraid just hearing the name. However, there’s no need for that. After all, what’s saying the name going to do to you?”
“I notice you haven’t said it,” Sirius muttered.
Professor Zephyr either didn’t hear or chose to ignore that comment. “But since this dark wizard is reeking havoc and has been declared to be quite dangerous, I am going to be teaching you to defend yourselves against any curses he can throw at you. I received a note from Professor Fenris, who said that most of you couldn’t dodge, block, or even cast a spell correctly. I’m going to do my best to fix that...”
Professor Zephyr suddenly broke off and then, to the astonishment of most of the class, promptly fell asleep on his desk. Remus had been expecting this, but was still concerned.
James and Sirius, however, exchanged glances. “Do you think he’s faking?” James asked the room at large.
“No,” Peter squeaked. “He did this at the opening feast, too. Remus said that he’s...” Peter looked as though he was concentrating very, very hard. “Narcissistic?”
“Narcoleptic,” Remus corrected.
“What does that mean?” James asked.
Remus began to give the definition, but Sirius cut him off. “Prone to falling asleep at random moments,” Sirius answered.
The rest of the class was talking as well. “Do you think we should do something about it?” the Marauders heard Lily Evans ask. “I mean, can we wake him up?”
“Why?” a Hufflepuff in the class asked. “We could just leave.”
“No, we couldn’t!” Ivy Amore said. “If he wakes up...”
At last, the class agreed that if Professor Zephyr was asleep for more than fifteen minutes, they would all leave. While Lily Evans kept time, the rest of the class simply kept talking and speculating about how much they could learn about defense with a narcoleptic teacher.
To the collective disappointment of most of the class, Professor Zephyr woke after only five minutes and resumed talking as if nothing had happened. “And once you can all defend yourselves against spells and curses, we can move on to dark creatures. I doubt that we’ll get to creatures this year, but definitely by next year, you should be ready for that. So, we’re going to start with basic dodging skills...”
Sirius wasn’t listening. He had gotten the top grade in DADA the year before, and he could dodge and block almost anything that was thrown at him. He was busy plotting. Mischief was never far from his mind, and Sirius had just been presented with a teacher who opened up a whole new world of possibilities.
Sirius made sure to tell James all his ideas as soon as class was over. James’s eyes gleamed with delight, but Remus, of course, objected.
“It’s not nice to take advantage of other people’s weaknesses to play practical jokes on them,” Remus scolded.
“Since when have we cared about being nice?” James asked. “Besides, what’s the use of having a narcoleptic defense teacher if you don’t take advantage of him?”
“Are you two trying to get expelled?” Remus asked.
“We’re not going to do anything that would get us expelled,” Sirius promised. “We’re just giving Professor Zs an... initiation, that’s all.”
“Just like you were just giving the Slytherin first years and ‘initiation’ before McGonagall caught you,” Remus said.
“You didn’t object to pulling a prank on Professor Fenris last year,” Peter piped up.
“No,” Remus said. “Because Professor Fenris didn’t have a tragic condition. He could fight back.”
“Fine,” James said. “So what did you think of that lecture on defending ourselves against Voldemort?”
“Completely useless,” Sirius said. “I mean, as far as I can tell, this Voldemort person is just a random madman trying to push the radical Pureblood agenda. Give it a few months and he’ll be completely washed up.”
“I don’t know,” Remus said worriedly. “I’ve heard a bit about the fellow, and he doesn’t sound like a random madman. I mean, half the class flinched when James said his name.”
“Rubbish, isn’t it?” Peter squeaked. “I mean, why on earth would anyone just be scared of a name? It’s kind of silly.” It didn’t take a genius to figure out that Peter himself was scared, but James and Sirius didn’t say anything after Remus glared at them.
“All that proves is that half the class is a bunch of cowards,” James said. Peter flushed slightly. “I think Sirius is right,” James continued. “Voldemort’s just a random madman who’ll be locked up in Azkaban soon enough. I think we’re wasting our time focusing on him.”
“We still need to learn to defend ourselves,” Remus said. “There might be other random madmen out there pushing the radical Pureblood agenda.”
“Like my mother,” Sirius muttered. “Still, do you want the only thing standing between you and a random madman to be the teachings of a guy who can’t get through his own lecture without falling asleep?”
“It’s better than nothing,” Remus muttered.
